Living Spinefully

Currently, I am living with a spine-full mind- a mind full of questions, constantly seeking answers about what the rest of my life will look like with severe scoliosis. Don’t get me wrong, this drive to understand has helped me in so many ways. Knowledge about my back has empowered me to reach out for second opinions, advocate for better care, and find specialists who can help me with physical and emotional pain. I have taken so much solace from hearing the words “me too” in conversations with other scoliosis survivors, which I would not have sought without feeling so alone in this condition. My spine-full mind has helped me understand the risks of having most of my spine fused, and that understanding allows me to make decisions with at least some confidence

At the same time, my spine-full mind has left me overcome with worries about my back, what is has meant in the past, and what it could possibly mean in the future. Every little twinge of pain leaves me scouring the internet, reviewing statistics about best and worst case scenarios related to longterm mobility, reproductive options, and quality of life. When I’m not wondering what my life will look like in 5, 10… or 50 years, I am raking over decisions I made in high school and college, wondering how I could have jeopradized my physical health. And while part of me knows that, as a person living with a chronic condition with minimal research on long term outcomes, it is totally understandable that I wonder and worry, part of me also recognizes that this mind full of fears and misgivings about my past and my future leaves little space for my life in the present. Hence the purpose of this blog.

As a mental health therapist early in her career, I have a decent understanding of mindful practices and their countless benefits, including balancing worries. I took a whole class in grad school about the interconnection between mind, body, and spirit, and since then have come up with many modifications to make mindfulness more accessible to my teenage clients. Unfortunately, the personal practice of mindfulness in my scoliosis journey has been much less robust. So here’s where this blog comes in. I plan to explore attitudes, concepts, and practices related to mindfulness and will reflect on their specific application to themes including chronic pain, identity, and health anxiety. By writing publicly, I hope to not only find personal clarity, but also to share some of the comfort and inspiration I have found from reading other scoliosis survivors’ words. My goal is not to silence my spine-full mind. I am not going to give up my internet searches entirely. Rather, I want to find more space in my scoliosis journey for the present moment. So, in a way, instead of living with a spine-full mind, I want to live spinefully.